Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Fidel Castro was alive?