Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
LMAO
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats