Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.