We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Respect
Nomnomnomnom
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.