ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
You Might Also Like
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Huge, if true.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.