Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
lol
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir