*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.