Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Looking at you, Jesus.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”