friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You Might Also Like
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper