8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.