What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
You Might Also Like
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”