an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND