Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
She puts the hot in psychotic
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]