Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
when dads have a rap battle
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
So that’s what we looked like?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.