I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Best spoiler warning ever
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…