any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
How actors in movies eat their food
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
this could fix me
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN