oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
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I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.