Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I need this for my side hustle.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest