Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”