911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.