I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..