My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me