Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
This classic never gets old . . .
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle