Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Well well well…
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog