One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Ah..makes sense now
I want what they have
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read