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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?