Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn