Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?