[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation