Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie