Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Butt weight. There’s more!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.