how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
You Might Also Like
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Good morning, Twitter x
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does