ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*