My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?