When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.