I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.