15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
You Might Also Like
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part