I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.