[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!