Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.