Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!