At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.