Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist