The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.