One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
You Might Also Like
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.