[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
🤭😂
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”