BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
You Might Also Like
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀