At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Thoughts
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]