Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
forgive me baja for i have blast
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
This kinda thing happens to me often