Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?